Let's start by saying this: You're reading this post, so most likely you have an interest in being a better Dominant to your submissive, or you're a submissive who wants to help their Dominant grow. Kudos to you, you have an interest in growth and betterment. I like you already! Let's get right into it.
How can you be a better Dom? Maybe a different question is, why should you be a better Dom? I'm hoping you want to be a better partner, a better source of guidance, provide a more pleasurable and fulfilling experience – heck, how about just being a better person! If these things aren't resonating with you, perhaps it's worth skipping straight to tip number five and doing some self-reflecting on why being a Dom is important to you. For the rest of you, here are five tips to being a better Dominant to your submissive.
1. Listen with Empathy
It's often said the most powerful and influential person in a board room is the one who listens best. I find this to be true. A great Dom is one who has listened first and tries to understand the motivations, fears, desires, green/yellow/red zones, insecurities, wants and needs of their submissive. The most pleasurable and satisfying experiences in and out of the bedroom are the ones that begin and end between the ears. Know your sub better than they know themselves. Feel it, internalize it, and only then can you act on it.
2. Communicate Clearly
It always surprises me how difficult clear communication is, and I'm not just talking about power dynamics. Vanilla relationships, professional relationships, communication between family members–why is it so hard to simply say it? I'm not sure anyone has the answer to that. But you do need to make sure when you're communicating with your sub that you do so clearly. Here are some easy tips to making sure you're both heard and understood: Whether you're giving praise (you are giving praise, right?) punishing, or degrading, simply ask when you're done speaking for your sub to repeat to you what they have heard. "Tell me what makes you a good girl." "Tell me why you are being punished." "Tell me what your homework assignment is and when it is due." "Tell me how you have pleased me today." I find that statements can accomplish the same goal as asking a question, but statements better reinforce your position as Dominant. Try it. Trust me.
3. Use Positive Reinforcement
We are all narcissists to some degree. It feels good to be praised and know you've done a good job! Using positive reinforcement not only makes for a happier submissive, but it makes training much more effective. Positive reinforcement ties closely with tip #1 and being a good listener. Just pay attention and repeat what works. Let's say one evening you come home from work and the house has been cleaned and your favorite drink is waiting for you. You don't know why - maybe your sub fucked up and is trying to lessen the ensuing punishment, or maybe they just wanted to do something nice for you. The why comes later. What's important is that you come home, you recognize the good behavior and intuitively say "Good girl" and immediately she beams. She's just told you with her beaming she likes being told she's a good girl, and you've told her to repeat that behavior by praising her. In just that small act you have a happier sub, a happier Dom, and a tool for future positive reinforcement knowing she likes praise in the form of a verbal "good girl." Your sub will give you cues all the time on things that bring happiness: moaning while being choked, a groan with a grin on the cusp of orgasm, a giggle after a spanking, a loving kiss after a cuddle on your lap, etc. Pay attention to what intuitively makes your submissive happy, and then repeat the actions that brought out those positive reactions every time they do something that pleases you.
4. Discipline for Growth
Remember those positive reinforcements that encouraged good behavior? Those same positive reinforcements can be withheld when your submissive shows behavior that isn't pleasing to you. You know your sub likes to cuddle on your lap, but has interrupted you when you speak and you've communicated before that that behavior is not acceptable. Have your sub come to you and sit on the floor beside you and vocalize "I would like to have you sit on my lap, but you misbehaved and so you'll sit on the floor until you show me you can be good." Think about the behaviors that you want repeated and discipline (different than punishment) in ways that groom good behavior. Maybe you have a rule that your sub must say "good morning" and "goodnight" to you every day as their first and final acts of the day to reinforce their position and yours. One day your sub forgets. A possible punishment would be to write an essay on why that is a requirement of your dynamic. Be specific (see tip #2) on what you expect and when you expect it. And of course, you should have previously communicated why that "good morning" and "goodnight" rule is in place to begin with. Which brings me to a much larger concept that I'll leave you to think about with tip #5: Know your purpose as a Dominant.
Why are you a Dom? Why do you have a submissive or submissives? What are your rules and why? What makes you happy? What doesn't make you happy? You must have a purpose in everything you do. You are in control. You hold the power. You have a responsibility for a person's pleasure and happiness. That is a big deal and do not take it lightly. Being a Dom or Domme isn't about you. It's about them. Understand it. Know it. For you Spider-Man lovers out there "with great power comes great responsibility" and it's true. Know your whys, know yourself, be honest with yourself, and communicate those strengths and vulnerabilities to your submissive. Just as you are helping them grow to be better, they will help you to do the same.
What do you think? What are some of your tips to being a better Dominant? If you're a submissive, what does your Dom or Domme do that works for you? Comment here or shoot me an email and let's have a chat.